Scream

These are the kinds of things that I think but don't usually share.  I figure people don't like it when I complain, but I'm working on being more honest with others about what I'm truly feeling, letting people in rather than always putting on a happy face and saying everything is great/wonderful/peachy/fantastic.  Whether I like to admit it or not, I am not perfect and sunshine and rainbows all the time, unfazed by the world with perfect hair, teeth, and makeup.

I just found out that my mentor at my old job just made $24k in commission last month.  Here I was in the middle of writing about pursuing passions and being happy with my current situation and making the most of it, and then that.  Adding insult to injury, she is younger than I am. 

My old job.  I was my boss's favorite.  It was outside sales.  Constant change, challenges, fast-paced, high energy.  Lots of happy hours.  Everyone who worked there was in their 20's and early 30's and pretty.  Incentive trips.  I made it to the Bahamas.

I was miserable there.  I was my boss's favorite...then he hit on me and I shot him down.  Not just shot him down, pretty much told him he had a better chance of sucking his own dick than ever getting me to do it.  FYI, if you would ever like to commit career suicide, that's how you do it.  From then on, he made my life there a living hell.  Nothing I ever did was good enough.  It was my first job out of college and I admit there were mistakes made on my part, but wow was that a crazy experience.  I was one of the few women in that office not on anti-depressants/anxiety/somethings.

When he finally tried to get me fired and I could prove that he was and had been for some time treating me differently, I left the company amidst the HR ridiculousness.  I didn't want to continue to live my life like that - working on Christmas Eve, missing seeing my Grandma.  Constantly on edge.

But $24k...damn.

My old boss was fired because of what I brought to HR's attention.  Turns out every woman in the office had a file on the guy.  I've thought about going back.  I've learned a lot since then, about the business world and about myself.

The way I figure it, now is my time to be married to my job and make money hand over fist.  I want as many options to be open to me as humanly possible, and ultimately I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone else.

I've been working on being grateful and focusing on the positive:  I have a job, I have benefits.  But $24k in commission alone in one month...damn.  I'm not allowing myself to think of what I could do with that kind of cash.  Nor am I going to think about this year's W-2.

Did I mention that at work we just found out today that they are cutting our commission?  We are blowing our targets out of the water, but they are cutting our commission.

I'm sorry that right now I am not a ray of sunshine.  I want to go for a long run and make a pros and cons list to somehow justify/rationalize it.  I'm too competitive to not be bothered by this.  I guess that means at least I know that sales is the right career for me.  Hey, I'll take whatever positives I can get.