If You Want To Be Free, Be Free

Everyone handles adversity in a different way.  Some people break down, some shut down, while others seem to be unfathomably resilient.  No matter what, seeing someone battle through the ups and downs of life is humanizing.  I've been realizing I somehow missed that memo.

Over the years I've had my fair share of shit.  Everyone does to some degree.  My reaction has always been to deal with it on my own and put on a happy face for the world.  Very few people generally have really known what's going on with me.  I don't like to complain and bring other people down.  I'd much rather be positive and uplifting.

I've been realizing lately that that isn't the best way for me to go about things.  I few months ago I actually had a coworker say that I was like a robot - nothing seemed to phase me, I was always "up," and it was almost aggravating how well put together I seemed to be.  Proof positive once again that I am my father's daughter.  That description fits him so well.  Ahh the blessing and the curse.

I'm a firm believer that a mistake is not a mistake unless you repeat it.  Do it once, it's a lesson learned.  Do it more than once, dumbass.  Well apparently I've been making a mistake for quite some time now in not really being honest about my humanity with the world - I am not perfect [even if I do a damn good job making you think that I have it all together.]  My grandpa had always said that my true calling was as an actress.

Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain!  I am the great and powerful Rachel!

Now that I feel more aware of this, I am taking baby steps [yes, I am channeling Bill Murray in What About Bob? - prime example of someone who is honest about his imperfections] to be more honest with myself and with the world.  There have been myriad things which have inspired this evolution on my part.  Some horrible and humbling experiences over the years have been my saving grace in the end.  I am convinced that my strong will [stubbornness] and determination [pride] would never have listened to a whisper - I require a firm punch in the gut.  Knock the wind out of me, bring me to my knees, eyes watering, ears ringing.  I probably wouldn't listen any other way, so I can't complain.  I am an alpha female, what do you expect?

Big step for me the other day, I employed this philosophy with a guy I am actually interested in - Buzz.  Yes, there's more to that story.  No, I did not let him get away with canceling on me.  As a matter of fact I have been downright brutal to the kid and he just seems to keep coming back for more.  So I figure if ever there was a time where I had nothing to lose, it was at dinner with him for our first real date.

So I went to dinner with Buzz, and I was honest.  I don't have all the answers.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing, but I'm at least trying to head in a positive direction.  Here's me - take it or leave it.  This was a big change for me.  I'm great on first dates, but it's usually because I am in sales and can sell myself very well while asking thoughtful questions about the other person.  To me it's like an interview, and I am fucking amazing in interviews.  The funny thing is, by doing this I feel as though it liberated him to do the same.  We ended up with an eight hour date filled with "me toos." [OK, from 7-12:30 was legitimate fun, engaging conversation, and from 12:30-3 we made out like teenagers then I kicked him out.]  I really like him.  He seemed truly genuine and I like how he thinks.

Amen to that.

We're going bowling together on Thursday.  I'm a terrible bowler.  It's taking some serious willpower to keep from calling my friend's fiance who is an excellent bowler and go practice.  I can't believe it but I'm going to let him see me suck at something.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Baby steps.