Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

I've toyed with the idea of giving up swearing several times over the last decade.  I feel that I have an extensive enough vocabulary that I shouldn't be confined to four letter words [or four letter boys] and I agree that it isn't the classiest thing to hear come out of a woman's mouth (or anyone's, for that matter) but in the end, my love of saying the word "fuck" always seems to win.

Noun, verb, adjective, amplifier - oh the versatility.  It says so much, allowing me to be uncharacteristically succinct.  I just love it.

Carrie: Have you?  Mr. Big: Have I what?  Carrie: Ever been in love?     Mr. Big: Abso-fucking-lutely.

Of course, thoughts about the "f-word" would not be complete without sharing the wisdom of Monty Python:

"Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today, is the word fuck. Of all the English words beginning with f, fuck is the single one referred to as the "f-word." It's the one magical word. Just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most of the other words in English, has arrived from Germany. Fuck from German's "fliechen" which mean to strike. In English, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. As a transital verb for instance, "John fucked Shirley." As an intransitive verb; "Shirley fucks." Its meaning is not always sexual, it can be used as an adjective such as: "John's doing all the fucking work." As part of an adverb: "Shirley talks too fucking much," as an adverb enhancing an adjective: "Shirley is fucking beautiful." As a noun; "I don't give a fuck." As part of a word: "abso-fucking-lutely" or "in-fucking-credible." Or as almost every word in a sentence: "fuck the fucking fuckers!" As you must realize, there aren't many words with the versatility such as the word fuck, as in these examples used as the following words:

- fraud: "I got fucked"
- trouble: "I guess I'm really fucked now"
- dismay: "Oh, fuck it!"
- aggression: "Don't fuck with me, buddy!"
- difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking question"
- inquiry: "Who the fuck was that?"
- dissatisfaction: "I don't like what the fuck is going on here"
- incompetence: "He's a fuck-off!"
- dismissal: "Why don't you go outside and fuck yourself?"
I'm sure you can think of many more examples.  With all these multi-purposed applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word?  Use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech. It will identify the quality of your character immediately. Say it loudly and proudly:  Fuck you!"

Several things have transpired since my last post:

1. Went on a date with condo guy.
2. After yet another bizarre text message, called ex-BF *with the grace of a woman* and gave him a piece of my mind.
3. Buzz has not left the building.

We'll begin with condo guy.  After some getting to know you/confirming for our date/you like that band too?  texting, we met up for drinks at a dive bar.  [I am a huge fan of hole in the wall bars, but this place is definitely not first date material - more like a sausage fest.  However, it is relatively close to my house and I assumed since we were meeting at 7 (dinner time!?) that after drinks we would go someplace else to eat.  Nope.]  He wanted to pick me up and I told him I'd meet him.  No, this is not some Gloria Steinem power play, I believe in chivalry - I simply like to have an escape on first dates, and for good reason.

Brief synopsis:  For starters, he is much better looking head on than from the side profile angle that I endured all night.  He was a psych major in college, got his masters in clinical psych, then post September 11th was inspired to become a firefighter.  Sounds good, right?  WRONG.  I think he thought my bar stool was a psychologist's couch.  He proceeded to ask me the following questions:

• How many kids do you want to have?
• Have you ever been in love?
• Did you ever see yourself marrying someone that you were with?

And my personal favorite:

• How long do you think it'll be until you're my girlfriend?  A couple weeks?

Listen, Mr. I-Wanted-To-Be-Married-Yesterday, at least buy a girl dinner first!  What the fuck?  (noun)  And those were just the highlights...let me tell you, this guy gave me gems.  I owe him a "Thank You" card for sure. 

I ended the date with an ass-out hug.

Once a month I get together with my 14 year old, quasi little sister.  Our families have been friends since forever and I have babysat her since she was an adorable little baby who loved watching Mary Poppins.  Her father has incurable cancer and I feel it's important that she has someone to talk with her who isn't a parent.  Over dinner, manis, and pedis, he regales me with tales of boys who get upset because she won't "sext" them, cheerleading competitions, and bulemic girls.  Last month she sent over 20,000 text messages.


When I get text messages from ex-BF, I pretty much think of him as a 14 year old girl.  He certainly helps that image with the level of maturity of said texts.  So I called him and told him that he was allowed to contact me for two reasons and that was it:  if he would like to have lunch like adults, or if he was in the depths of despair and on the verge of harming himself.  It felt good to say things to him that I don't think I realized I wanted to say.  Things like:

• I'm not in love with you anymore.
• I realize that you think sending me texts is funny.  Just because I don't, doesn't mean that you can turn it around on me that I don't have a sense of humor.  I find them pointless and annoying.
• I can say whatever I want to you.  I'm not constantly worried about you being OK anymore.
• I messed up and I take full responsibility for the fact that I thought I could fix you by being the best girlfriend in the world.  In doing so, I neglected myself and I learned a lot from that and don't ever want to do that again.  
• I am moving forward in a positive direction in my life and you are contributing absolutely nothing positive to it, so I don't see the point in childish text messages.  If you would like to speak to me as an adult, you can call me.
• When it was good, it was the best, but when it was bad, it was the worst.  I truly believe that things can be that good for both of us again, but not with each other.

I wished him well and we ended the conversation amicably with him apologizing and taking ownership for the fact that his reminiscing/flattering had been inappropriate.  I am not to be fucked with.  (intransitive verb)

I must say, I'm feeling quite good.  Oh wait, there was a number three, wasn't there?  Buzz has not left the building.

Fuck yeah.