Stand Beside Me

There have been a handful of things people have said to me over the years that have stuck out in my mind – random compliments, statements, and poignant reflections on life that my brain actually deemed worthy of remembering.

When I was very young (and my parents must have had some sort of fight and my dad brought my mom flowers) I can see myself sitting in the kitchen with my mom as she said, “Flowers don’t fix things.”  My boyfriend my junior year of college told me I had the “sexiest shoulders” he’d ever seen while we were slow dancing in his living room.  And the other night, I had a man say “Rachel likes to wear the pants.”

“Rachel likes to wear the pants...”

When my best girlfriend from high school, C, talks about her marriage, she uses a word that I find fascinating: submit.  This word was used during my younger cousin's wedding ceremony, and I swear each time it was said, my fiercely independent grandmother literally twitched in her seat in front of me.  [Both of their weddings are tales for another day.]  Anyway, C talks about "how wonderful it is to submit to" her husband.  She finds it so reassuring that he always knows what to do she can completely stop using her own brain and can follow him unconditionally.  [Thank God he's a really great guy.]  That works for their relationship and I respect that.

1. It most certainly would not work for me.
2. Not even touching on the divorce rate in this country, God forbid what happens if something happens to him? She doesn't even know how to work the stereo system in their house or mow the lawn, let alone handle any of the finances.

Submitting or not, learned helplessness is never a good idea in my book.

Does anyone else find this as terrifying as I do?  Never mind if he lives forever, my best friend used to be a hell of a lot smarter than that.  Now she thinks I'm the idiot.  Her words: "You'll never find someone as long as you keep on being so independent."  Maybe she's right, but I sure as anything don't want to feel like I have self-lobotomize and become a codependent Stepford wife who compartmentalizes what she refers to as her "former life."  You know, that time pre-hubby when she used the word "I" where she now only uses "we."

Who needs Kama Sutra when we can do the missionary position once a week?

I'm on the verge of a massive tangent.  This is when I repeat over and over to myself another great quote that sticks out in my mind, some of the best advice my grandpa ever gave me: "Not everyone thinks like you do."  If that makes her happy, then I need to be happy for her even if it means that I think that she's boring and selling out and either she or her husband is going to wake up one day and go crazy that her submitting has resulted in her no longer having any sense of self.

This all brings me to a question I've been tossing around for years:  Is someone always the alpha?  Can there be two alphas in a relationship, or by the sheer nature of alpha can there only be one?

Alpha: noun (modifier) denoting the dominant person or animal in a group: the alpha male

"The dominant person."  Does that inherently imply that there must be a submissive?  If so, I think I'm screwed.  There's that word again - submit.  If someone falls in love with me for being me, shouldn't they dislike it if I don't act like myself?  But do girls who don't submit not get married?  Or are they the lone alpha in the relationship?  I don't want to be "the man" in a relationship any more than I want to be involved with a woman...or a dude who acts like one.  [I've said it before and I will say it again. I already have one pussy and it's fabulous. I have no need for another in my life.]  To me, a true "alpha" cheers on the other alpha because they are not threatened, but rather both enhanced by the other.  Sometimes one person might have more expertise or interest in an area and therefore "take the reigns" but this holds true for both sides, there is not a colossal imbalance.

I'm guessing mono-syllabic "safe words" are best.

Let's be clear, I am not a dominatrix.  I was at a holiday party as a date for a friend a couple years ago and I was with the wives when one started openly talking about how she carries her husband's balls around in her purse.  I just about fell over.  She said it with the same kind of nonchalance as if she was saying that the sky was blue.  Male or female, I am not comfortable with this kind of disparity in power.  A recent facebook post highlighted how my friend's girlfriend had three leashes - "two for the dogs and one for him, and his is the shortest."

I'm pretty sure when Bob Barker said to "have your pets spayed or neutered," he was only referring to the four-legged kind.

So where does that leave me?  I don't want to carry someone's balls around in my purse any more than I want to stop thinking for myself and lose my sense of self.  I recognize that those are clearly the extremes, but where is the middle ground?  The relationship of give and take, of equals, the power couple?  Two strong individuals who come together to love and support each other?

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.  Beyonce and Jay-Z.  David Beckham and Victoria Beckham [Posh Spice was always my favorite Spice Girl.] 

I'm not exactly sure how to attain this elusive partnership, but I do know this...the other night when that guy said I like to "wear the pants" and I responded that sometimes I like to wear the pants and sometimes I don't, he said, "Wait, sometimes you don't like to wear pants? Awesome!"

It has its moments.