I think way too much sometimes. I may appear all bubbles and smiles, but the gears are always turning. That may be why I love yoga, running, and red wine - they all help to quiet my mind. For the past few years I feel like I've been playing by other peoples' rules, struggling to keep the sand inside their sandbox. If I do x, then I will get y. Lost my job? Well hurry up and find a new one! After being praised for thinking outside of the box for so long, I've never understood why I should do the complete opposite in order to be a "good worker." Being a part of corporate America made me feel like a frustrated, small child.
Look, I can play that game, but I tire quickly of it. "The problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat." I think I tired a year or so into it, but the competitor in me said, "But look at her, she's climbing the ladder! You can do it too! You've been good at anything you've ever set your mind to, just do it! [Arnold Schwarzenegger voice] DOO EET NAHWAH! Make more money! Work harder! Mush! Mush!" Two years later, here I am.
Decompressing from that mindset is not always easy. Thankfully, I'd started the checking out process a long time ago...but was always paralyzed by the fear of what to do next, not wanting to do the same thing again. This summer has been one big, slow exhalation. Letting go of my former life so as to make room for the new one.
I finally had that epiphany I'd been waiting for. [Yes, I am ending that sentence with a preposition.] I still might be wrong, but at least it feels good right now. It's like a crush. After two and a half months of nearly constant travel, it came to me in the most bizarre of ways and I am really happy. I realized that instead of trying to figure out what the perfect career would be (philanthropic and fulfilling? stimulating and challenging? ridiculously lucrative?) I realized I should work backwards - what kind of
LIFE do I want? So many times we are able to quantify what it is that we don't want, but in all actuality that really isn't the same as what we do want. It helps narrow things down a bit, but it's not the whole picture.
I realize I've been focusing a lot on what it is that I don't want [being a lobotomized Stepford wife, raging bitch, Old Maid cat lady.] What do I want?
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| I want the world! I want the whole world! I want to lock it all up in my pocket! It's my bar of chocolate! Give it to me NOW! |
My Type A-ness dwindled somewhere amidst driving around the eastern half of the country visiting family, house-sitting for my parents in the suburbs, auditioning for American Idol, running around the streets of Manhattan, frolicking at a bachelorette party in Florida, attempting sleep on a 13 hour Greyhound bus ride beginning at 3:05 AM, visiting my beloved cousin M's husband, then exploring Charlotte where I changed clothes and did my hair in a Panera bathroom [I'm like Superwoman,] then arriving in a dark, empty parking lot in Washington D.C. at 6 AM, running around taking inappropriate pictures with monuments, and finally jumping in a car with my college roommate's friend and her dog to go home. [That might be my favorite run-on sentence of all time.] Lots of red-eye bus rides, lots of ridiculous stories. And somewhere during it all I started listening to my mind and body as to what truly made me happy - what I do want.
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| Complete lack of sleep and having absolutely no clue what day it is apparently helps with this. |
I came home primed and receptive to however the universe was unfolding before me. I found myself sitting at a bar with an amazing man who had just spent the past three years teaching English in Ecuador, South Korea, and Spain. He said that he wants to get a job where he can make decent money, find someone he can travel the world with, spend that money traveling the world with them, and have a family.
Finally, something made sense to me. Right now, here's what I want: I want to make my own money, travel, marry someone I love, travel with him, have kids, raise them when they're little, and travel with them. In order to enable this lifestyle of never having to ask for a vacation day off ever again, I must eschew the modern confines of 9-5 that make me feel like a caged animal. My present solution? Insurance sales. (No, not the kind where you hit up family and friends. I am totally not comfortable with that.) I know it's not sexy, but I sold payroll and bought my house at 25. That's my kind of sexy. Residuals for ten years? That's my kind of sexy. Autonomy, flexibility, independence? Fuck me, that's hot.
Of course, the minute I realize that if I'm exchanging my time for dollars that I want it to be on my terms, I have two recruiters call me for sales positions. I could not be less interested.
So here I am with my crush. Even if this one isn't "the one," I at least feel like it's setting a new standard.
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| Easier said than done, but I'm working on it. |
