S&M

I've determined that in different areas of life I have varying levels of tolerance for just how much bullshit I can take and still keep coming back for more. 

Throughout my life I have been praised for myriad accolades and leadership roles, and I had always assumed [obviously my first problem] that would translate well in the corporate world.  So far that has not been the case and I feel as though really what I should've been cultivating all of these years was more of a Kevin Bacon in "Animal House" attitude.

Thank you, sir!  May I have another?

Apparently I will put up with a complete lack of communication and professionalism, working every evening and weekend, and fighting for my commission that my sales partner stole - because I can't seem to find something I'm passionate about to go to right now, and moral objections or not, my mortgage isn't going to pay itself.  

While I seem to at times shoot myself in the foot by eschewing "playing the game" in my poorly managed company, if I'm really honest with myself I love "the game" when it comes to the opposite sex.  Don't give it to me easy.  Give me passion.  Give me fireworks.  Give me the pain - the exquisite pain.

I'm guessing Jack Kerouac didn't anticipate "On The Road" being published as a tattoo.

It's commonly most acceptable for people to say they are "drama-free," but really I think it's the drama that makes things interesting.  What they're saying by drama-free is really that they prefer to stay out of the ruckus.  Nothing wrong with that, the ruckus isn't for everyone.  There's also a time and a place for it.  Obviously people love it, it's the reason we watch television shows and movies.  I feel like there are two types of people:  those who are in the fray getting dirty and those who would prefer to stay clean.  From there, there are different kinds of dirty.

1. People who like to instigate and for whom the title "diva" can be used.  I think these people are often most successful in establishing fifteen minutes of fame on a reality tv show, or just annoying the piss out of me. 
2. People who acknowledge that in order to truly thrive and lead a non-superficial life, you have to dig deep and things can get a little messy.

Don't get me wrong, there are certainly types of drama I can do without [my past month of major appliances dying and a roommate absconding with two grand and verbally eviscerating me] but I'm a sucker for it when it comes to Buzz.  Is it because he is emotionally unavailable/relationship clueless and I see him as a challenge/safe because I won't get in too deep and get hurt?  Is it because we're soulmates destined to be together?  [Ha!]  Is it because work has monopolized my life and a little excitement, albeit at times borderline absurd, is a welcome reprieve?  I have no idea, all I know is that this has been going on for three and a half months and we each keep coming back for more.

Interactions [I felt the word relationships held too much weight here] like mine with Buzz are the sort of thing that inspire books like "The Time Traveler's Wife" to be written.  The frustration of emotional unavailability at its finest.  We go on a couple great dates.  Talk like crazy.  Then nothing.  Then we see each other randomly and we talk for hours and I call him out on everything and he says that he's never met anyone like me before and that he doesn't know what he's doing and he absolutely loves me (then says wait, you know what I mean, Freudian slip) and that he's never talked about relationships this much before and he's in this there are just a lot of things that scare him and he doesn't know how to balance everything.  Then texts.  Then a couple more days of nothing.  Then when I get his next text, I tell him I'm over him and I'm moving on.  I was surprised to hear from him, but I know he's competitive.  Then I upped the ante and returned his text with a call.  Phone tag.  Then tonight he called and we actually talked.  He's into me, but was ending a relationship.  I said all he ever had to do was tell me that.  I've been open and honest with him and put myself out there.

Fell asleep, woke up at 4 AM on the couch [bad habit] to the sound of a glorious thunderstorm.  My mind could think of nothing but our conversation and at 5 AM I donned my Drama Queen crown and sent the following message:

The thunderstorm woke me up and I started thinking about our conversation.  I call bullshit :)  I specifically asked you if an ex-gf was what was so complicated on St. Patty's and you said no.  You didn't not tell me because you "didn't know me that well."  You didn't tell me because you were having your cake and eating it too.  All I asked is that you were honest with me and I feel like you weren't - and I kinda feel like an idiot for giving you the benefit of the doubt.  If all you want is something superficial and great first dates, you should keep doing exactly what you're doing and please don't involve me in it.  If you want more than that and are willing to be honest with me, you know how to reach me.

I either just ripped off the Band-Aid or started a whole new mess of paper cuts.

On To The Next One

I feel so naked.  I left my cell phone at home.

God, my thighs look sensational.

In theory this would not be such a bad thing, however, I have a date this evening and

1.  He does not have my address.
2.  The restaurant where he wants to take me [one of the nicest in the city] appears to be closed on Sundays and I am not sure that he is aware of this since we changed our date from Tuesday.

I am inclined to just say, "Forget it, let's go grab a cocktail on a patio somewhere."  After all, it is sunny and gorgeous outside...but for one slight issue - I am still mentally tan-orexic.  It's not that I want to look like I belong on the cast of the Jersey Shore, but if I'm breaking out the sundress on the patio, I want to be looking my best.  Plus, in addition to teaching graphic design at the university while he gets his masters and bartending at a fabulous little downtown spot, my date for this evening also dabbles in a hobby about which I am still unsure how I feel in a potential suitor:  bodybuilding.

If you want to see a ridiculously confident woman start to feel a little uneasy about how toned and tan she is - have her go on a date with a guy with what seems like 0% body fat and a perfect tan.  Granted, in this case it helps that I don't find him insanely good-looking, but he is super sweet.  And, after continuing to play cat and mouse with the ever-alluring and oh-so-relationship-clueless Buzz, it was beyond refreshing to have a guy tell me that he wants to have the opportunity to spend more time with me and get to know me, so just let him know when I'm free because there's a table he'd like to reserve at this fabulous restaurant for us.  I will refer to him as "Martini," quite the misnomer, seeing as how there doesn't seem to be anything "teeny" about him from what I can see.

Simply put, Martini is not my usual "type."  Obviously my "type" 15 years of dating  hasn't been working out, therefore I am open to new experiences.  I enter this uncharted territory with trepidation for a couple legitmate reasons though.

Exhibit 1:  He has facial hair that is way too Purple Rain for me.

Exhibit 2 is slightly more controversial.

We're not talking a little symbol on the bicep here...I've dated that before.  I'm talking entire bicep, and full back piece.  I'm intrigued to hear the stories behind them.  Side note:  Barbed wire is always an automatic knockout. 

Either way, as my dear friend Gigi, dating aficionado, says, "At worst, it's free dinner and a good story." 

These are two things I certainly enjoy.

You know what else I apparently enjoy?  Cat and mouse for three months...until I got asked out by Martini and Buzz texted me a little while later and I finally bit the bullet and told him I was moving on.  I'm not exactly sure why that was as difficult as it was and I was admittedly probably a bit harsh on him - but his text messages don't keep me warm at night and they don't make an adult relationship either. 

[But I still haven't shaken him off completely, dammit.]