The Best of Times is Now

Live theater - the purest form of art.  Seeing incredibly talented people put themselves out there like that, so raw and vulnerable, risking mistakes at any minute, pursuing their passions...it really makes you think about what it is that you are waking up and doing every day.

Wild and precious - I love it.

I was in Manhattan right after Christmas.  Is there any better place in the world at Christmastime?  I don't care if it's cliche.  The windows all decked out on 5th Avenue.  The tree at Rockefeller Center.  Ice skating in Central Park.  I love New York at any time of the year, but the streets of New York amidst snowflakes are especially surreal and spectacular.

Being in that city, for me, is the most energizing experience.  Everywhere I turn I'm surrounded by inspiration - beautiful architecture, eclectic shops, completely random restaurants, the constant energy and hum of traffic, people walking down the street wearing everything from haute couture to safety pins.  The trash piled up on the curb.  The smell of street vendors burning nuts.  I feel like I have electric plugs coming out of my body and they plug into everything around me.

This particular visit was even more inspirational for me.  We arrived in the middle of a blizzard and determined that the best way to pass some time while the city dealt with 16" of snow was to go see a matinee.  Thus began the most phenomenal three days of live theater I have ever experienced.

Avenue Q was like an IV of awesomeness injected directly into my veins.  Watching Muppet-like puppets sing about "What do you do with a BA in English?" "What's my purpose?" "Everyone's a little bit racist" "The internet is for porn" "Schadenfreude" and "You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love" really made my day.  Yes, I am their perfect target demographic:  I did really well in high school and college where there were more clearly defined roles and goals, now what?  The acting was superb, and my brother and I had a blast.  I left singing the song, "It's Only For Now," which has become my new go to repeat-over-and-over-to-calm-down mantra.

The next night was truly an unbeatable experience.  I should preface this by highlighting the fact that I am a huge dork and absolutely love the show Frasier.  Kelsey Grammar was headlining La Cage Aux Folles.  So when my dad surprised us with not just front row, but front table [ohmyGod I can touch the stage] seats, I was like a little girl wide-eyed with wonder seeing Mickey Mouse in person.  For those of you not familiar with the play, it's The Birdcage.  Playing opposite Kelsey Grammar, oh just Douglas Hodge, the Tony-Award winner for Best Actor...I thought I'd died and gone to acting Heaven.  Not only did Kelsey Grammar eye fuck the shit out of me throughout the play [OK, so that may have been going both ways] but during one particular performance, Douglas Hodge actually held my hand and sang to me - it was the closest to being on Broadway I will ever be.

Finally my dad surprised us with tickets to La Bete.  [Don't worry, I'd never heard of it either.]  The entire play is written in iambic pentameter with a dazzling cast of Patsy from Ab Fab, and my all-time favorite actor, David Hyde Pierce.  As starry-eyed as I was to see particularly the latter live on stage, it was Mark Rylance who blew me away with upwards of a 30 minute soliloquy.  After two solid hours of nerd nirvana, we waited at the stage door for the cast and found each member to be incredibly gracious and unassuming.  What struck me the most was after witnessing the most amazing feat of memorization I have ever seen, Mark Rylance simply walked off into the night with his backpack - just another person walking down the street.

Huge difference.

When I was younger and used to run through my parents' neighborhood, I would think of all of the things that went on in their house that no one would ever know about and wonder what all went on in other peoples' houses.  Same thing when I fly, looking down at house after house.  How do you stand out from that?  Today, my answer is through our passions and our own personal art.  Tomorrow I might say by wearing a lot of hot pink.

Did I mention that my brother's investor came through which means he can not only hire me full-time, but wants to make me majority owner of his landscaping company?  I would be responsible for government landscaping acquisitions as well as all of the daily operations management.  Working with/for my brother, owning my own company, being my own boss, bringing my dog to work...I think that may just be what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.  I'm simultaneously excited and scared shitless, which makes me think I might be on the right track.

Let Love Rule

I do not believe in Valentine's Day.  I have stood by this contention over the years whether I have been single or in a relationship and will continue to do so.  What do I believe in?  I firmly believe that if you care about someone - romantic or otherwise - that you should make sure that they know on a regular basis, not just because of some arbitrary, obligatory holiday.  I think people should say, "Hey, it's Wednesday and I think you're fucking fabulous, let's celebrate!"  I don't like anything that is forced and unnatural...just let it flow...buy something because it made you think of that person, go to dinner because you thought they'd like that restaurant, send a card or hell even a text message just because.  I believe you should tell someone who matters to you - just that, just because.  It's always nice to hear.

Without hope or agenda - love it.

Here's something to believe in:  "Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."  Thank you, Bull Durham.  Happy Valentine's Day.

If You Want To Be Free, Be Free

Everyone handles adversity in a different way.  Some people break down, some shut down, while others seem to be unfathomably resilient.  No matter what, seeing someone battle through the ups and downs of life is humanizing.  I've been realizing I somehow missed that memo.

Over the years I've had my fair share of shit.  Everyone does to some degree.  My reaction has always been to deal with it on my own and put on a happy face for the world.  Very few people generally have really known what's going on with me.  I don't like to complain and bring other people down.  I'd much rather be positive and uplifting.

I've been realizing lately that that isn't the best way for me to go about things.  I few months ago I actually had a coworker say that I was like a robot - nothing seemed to phase me, I was always "up," and it was almost aggravating how well put together I seemed to be.  Proof positive once again that I am my father's daughter.  That description fits him so well.  Ahh the blessing and the curse.

I'm a firm believer that a mistake is not a mistake unless you repeat it.  Do it once, it's a lesson learned.  Do it more than once, dumbass.  Well apparently I've been making a mistake for quite some time now in not really being honest about my humanity with the world - I am not perfect [even if I do a damn good job making you think that I have it all together.]  My grandpa had always said that my true calling was as an actress.

Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain!  I am the great and powerful Rachel!

Now that I feel more aware of this, I am taking baby steps [yes, I am channeling Bill Murray in What About Bob? - prime example of someone who is honest about his imperfections] to be more honest with myself and with the world.  There have been myriad things which have inspired this evolution on my part.  Some horrible and humbling experiences over the years have been my saving grace in the end.  I am convinced that my strong will [stubbornness] and determination [pride] would never have listened to a whisper - I require a firm punch in the gut.  Knock the wind out of me, bring me to my knees, eyes watering, ears ringing.  I probably wouldn't listen any other way, so I can't complain.  I am an alpha female, what do you expect?

Big step for me the other day, I employed this philosophy with a guy I am actually interested in - Buzz.  Yes, there's more to that story.  No, I did not let him get away with canceling on me.  As a matter of fact I have been downright brutal to the kid and he just seems to keep coming back for more.  So I figure if ever there was a time where I had nothing to lose, it was at dinner with him for our first real date.

So I went to dinner with Buzz, and I was honest.  I don't have all the answers.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing, but I'm at least trying to head in a positive direction.  Here's me - take it or leave it.  This was a big change for me.  I'm great on first dates, but it's usually because I am in sales and can sell myself very well while asking thoughtful questions about the other person.  To me it's like an interview, and I am fucking amazing in interviews.  The funny thing is, by doing this I feel as though it liberated him to do the same.  We ended up with an eight hour date filled with "me toos." [OK, from 7-12:30 was legitimate fun, engaging conversation, and from 12:30-3 we made out like teenagers then I kicked him out.]  I really like him.  He seemed truly genuine and I like how he thinks.

Amen to that.

We're going bowling together on Thursday.  I'm a terrible bowler.  It's taking some serious willpower to keep from calling my friend's fiance who is an excellent bowler and go practice.  I can't believe it but I'm going to let him see me suck at something.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Baby steps.

Scream

These are the kinds of things that I think but don't usually share.  I figure people don't like it when I complain, but I'm working on being more honest with others about what I'm truly feeling, letting people in rather than always putting on a happy face and saying everything is great/wonderful/peachy/fantastic.  Whether I like to admit it or not, I am not perfect and sunshine and rainbows all the time, unfazed by the world with perfect hair, teeth, and makeup.

I just found out that my mentor at my old job just made $24k in commission last month.  Here I was in the middle of writing about pursuing passions and being happy with my current situation and making the most of it, and then that.  Adding insult to injury, she is younger than I am. 

My old job.  I was my boss's favorite.  It was outside sales.  Constant change, challenges, fast-paced, high energy.  Lots of happy hours.  Everyone who worked there was in their 20's and early 30's and pretty.  Incentive trips.  I made it to the Bahamas.

I was miserable there.  I was my boss's favorite...then he hit on me and I shot him down.  Not just shot him down, pretty much told him he had a better chance of sucking his own dick than ever getting me to do it.  FYI, if you would ever like to commit career suicide, that's how you do it.  From then on, he made my life there a living hell.  Nothing I ever did was good enough.  It was my first job out of college and I admit there were mistakes made on my part, but wow was that a crazy experience.  I was one of the few women in that office not on anti-depressants/anxiety/somethings.

When he finally tried to get me fired and I could prove that he was and had been for some time treating me differently, I left the company amidst the HR ridiculousness.  I didn't want to continue to live my life like that - working on Christmas Eve, missing seeing my Grandma.  Constantly on edge.

But $24k...damn.

My old boss was fired because of what I brought to HR's attention.  Turns out every woman in the office had a file on the guy.  I've thought about going back.  I've learned a lot since then, about the business world and about myself.

The way I figure it, now is my time to be married to my job and make money hand over fist.  I want as many options to be open to me as humanly possible, and ultimately I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone else.

I've been working on being grateful and focusing on the positive:  I have a job, I have benefits.  But $24k in commission alone in one month...damn.  I'm not allowing myself to think of what I could do with that kind of cash.  Nor am I going to think about this year's W-2.

Did I mention that at work we just found out today that they are cutting our commission?  We are blowing our targets out of the water, but they are cutting our commission.

I'm sorry that right now I am not a ray of sunshine.  I want to go for a long run and make a pros and cons list to somehow justify/rationalize it.  I'm too competitive to not be bothered by this.  I guess that means at least I know that sales is the right career for me.  Hey, I'll take whatever positives I can get.